A Different Kind of Christmas

This is the first Christmas in over 5 years that I almost feel like singing (since Gamma passed away in 2009), & yet at the same time, it's not Christmas songs I feel like singing. It just doesn't feel like Christmas. This is my first Christmas not knowing when my husband will be home. We are doing okay, but nothing is the same. I also feel like I'm not supposed to share (in my natural way) how I'm feeling about everything. I'm not supposed to have moments of being so overwhelmed with situations that it brings tears. The first time going to each place that is a part of our weekly routine without Tim had this effect on me. Each trip after that has been easier. Kindness of others has also had this effect on me when we have been given things to help make Christmas a little brighter, when strangers paid for my groceries, when people offer to help me get the boys checked in to Sunday school... is it wrong to be so overwhelmed by the kindness of others that it brings me to tears? Does that mean I can't handle what we are going through?  Does waiting for someone to offer their help because I don't want to inconvenience someone by asking for help mean I don't accept or appreciate help? Most of my stress right now is just from trying to figure out what is expected of me so I can find the energy to do it.  Don't bottle your emotions, but don't display them, in a "wrong way." Take care of the kids, cook for them, clean up after yourself in the kitchen, then somehow find time & energy to keep your area clean too. One day, I will figure it out, but for now, I am still learning.

Just a Thought for Those Who Don't Understand, But Would Like To

Let me explain something to a few that don't seem to understand depression and anxiety...

Do not tell someone not to feel depressed or have a panic/anxiety attack. It doesn't work that way. Have you ever had someone tell you not to feel something? All that does is tell the person that it's not safe to express their feelings or what they're going through. When this goes on long enough, the person can get to a point where they don't even know how to express or explain their feelings. It's like if you ignore the feelings long enough, you don't even know what you are feeling, other than possibly numb. That doesn't mean the feelings went away because it wasn't safe to express them. It means they are now trapped and building up like a ticking bomb, ready to explode.

Do not ask what the person has to be depressed or anxious about. Depression and anxiety are actual conditions caused by a physical condition or chemical imbalance. Someone dealing with depression can have good days too, then without warning, or maybe because of a trigger, can have a really rough spell (the length of the spell can vary). This doesn't mean the condition went away then came back.

Yes, there are things that can help the symptoms, but what helps and how much of that thing it takes is different for each person. For some of us, it's medication, others handle it with supplements, still others find that just talking about the triggers & dealing with learning how to cope with insensitive people or situations helps. Do not tell people that they should just stop talking about it, & assume that will make it better. Some people know that talking about the stressors or triggers may help lessen the effects of said triggers, even if it takes a long time (each discussion of the triggers helps a little bit, but repetition is key for some people... after enough times, for that person, not the ones hearing it, the pain subsides enough it can finally be dropped for good, or the topic come up casually without reopening the wound & needing to be hashed out again).


As the boys chase each other around, I'm noticing that Mommy is automatically "home base" or the "safety." I'm thinking about how this applies to the rest of their little lives: Mommy & Daddy are the safe "go-to" people. So, what happens when Mommy and Daddy are too stressed or dealing with too much stress, anxiety or depression & are just told to "not feel that way"? It affects the kids' safety zone. If Mommy or Daddy don't feel safe & secure for themselves, there is no way they can be that for each other, or for the kids. This is why it's dangerous to dismiss anxiety and depression as nothing serious, or as an emotion you can just "not feel" or can just "get over." When screening for PPD, medical providers often ask "Do you feel safe at home?" This is worded in such a way it implies that the threat is from someone else. What would they say if someone's response was that she doesn't feel safe from herself?

Struggling... Will Someone Hear Me?

Depression and anxiety flares up without warning, and makes it difficult to express what one is feeling, especially when each attempt to communicate feelings is met with a response of those feelings not being validated. Each person responds to the same life circumstances differently. Some of us don't know how to verbalize what we are feeling, or become afraid to, knowing that the response will be someone telling you just not to feel that way or that they went through the same situation and handled it better.

Dealing with Big Changes

Fluctuating hormones + major sleep deprivation = someone you REALLY DON'T want to mess with. Nearly cried last night when people genuinely thanked me for being there, cried a little bit today when I thought about those short conversations... compared those in my mind to people that don't have time or room for me & the boys (said they didn't know why I didn't feel like part of their group, but they didn't want me to join them for anything, because I have the boys)... I am blessed to have this new set of friends and the few long distance friends that always make time.

Having a hard time with the boys today, due to sleep deprivation, and thankful for those that understand, rather than feeling "embarrassed for" me. I know that things are going to get more difficult in some ways when Tim's new job starts, but we are trusting God for strength and thankful for support of friends that agree with us in prayer for that strength rather than telling us Silas or David or I won't be able to handle it. If you want to help, great. Just don't tell me I'm weak for accepting help, then wonder why I stop asking for or accepting help, then have a breakdown at the end of the night.