This is the first Christmas in over 5 years that I almost feel like singing (since Gamma passed away in 2009), & yet at the same time, it's not Christmas songs I feel like singing. It just doesn't feel like Christmas. This is my first Christmas not knowing when my husband will be home. We are doing okay, but nothing is the same. I also feel like I'm not supposed to share (in my natural way) how I'm feeling about everything. I'm not supposed to have moments of being so overwhelmed with situations that it brings tears. The first time going to each place that is a part of our weekly routine without Tim had this effect on me. Each trip after that has been easier. Kindness of others has also had this effect on me when we have been given things to help make Christmas a little brighter, when strangers paid for my groceries, when people offer to help me get the boys checked in to Sunday school... is it wrong to be so overwhelmed by the kindness of others that it brings me to tears? Does that mean I can't handle what we are going through? Does waiting for someone to offer their help because I don't want to inconvenience someone by asking for help mean I don't accept or appreciate help? Most of my stress right now is just from trying to figure out what is expected of me so I can find the energy to do it. Don't bottle your emotions, but don't display them, in a "wrong way." Take care of the kids, cook for them, clean up after yourself in the kitchen, then somehow find time & energy to keep your area clean too. One day, I will figure it out, but for now, I am still learning.
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