Happy times for some are hard times for others. My sister-in-law is 9 months pregnant with her fourth baby (a "surprise" baby). She told me once that she always knew one way or another, she was going to have 4 kids. This past week, everyone else has been constantly talking aobut the baby... "Jas this, Jas that... Benjamin this, Benjamin that..." Guessing when the baby's going to come and how big he will be. I am constantly torn up inside, but unable to talk to anyone about it, because that would bake me the insenitive, inconsiderate, selfish one. I guess I'll have to suck it up and get over it, like I had to with the last "surprise" baby.
Tim and I are still trying to get pregnant, and some days are easier to deal with than others. People think that I volunteer at the NICU to get my "baby fix," but the truth is, I volunteer in the NICU in spite of the heartache. I cry all the way to the hospital every week, fight the tears all the way through my shift, and cry almost all the way home. I am able to dry it up before I walk into the house, soe that the family never knows.
There are just certain things that I'm not supposed to have feelings about. I'm supposed to be okay with the whole family being involved with this whole process Tim & I are going through, and with any other medical issues that we deal with. And I'm supposed to be okay with my nose getting rubbed into stuff, and if I react to anything, I'm taking it. too personally. Well I'm sorry: that's just the way I've always been. People wonder why I learned to stuff my feelings: well, that's why: my feelings are just offensive to other people, because I'm too sensitive. I grew up in a family where nobody talked about any of this kind of stuff, so even after five years, I'm still not used to it.
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